DADA

July 30, 2008 / 2:38 a.m.

I couldn’t fall asleep; my eyes are teary and red.
Have to do something worthy, ah how bout writing a new entry?
My head is preoccupied with so many things yesterday, I was about to write something but my body didn’t care to cooperate with my mind. 
For about a month I tried to avoid mirrors, I don’t want to see myself or even having a glance of my own face.

2:25 p.m. yesterday, my mom visited me in my so-called balwarte.
I was pretending that I am sleeping, she checked my forehead, 
She touched it as if she was trying to get my body temp.
Then I coiled my body as if I’m not aware of her presence.
I gently open my eyes, and then there she was, sitting in front of me. 
Her face was cover with white face towel. 
Mama is weeping; she was grieving for her beloved son.
I was astonished with her gesture. 
Am I already dead? Why is she crying?
“Ma, what’s for lunch? “
Then she replied me with; 
“Anong oras na di ka pa pala nanananghalian”.
Then I stand up and start heading for the kitchen, my knees were too lame and my feet are limping.
Ooops unexpectedly, my stomach begins to rumbles,
I rushed to the side next to Billy’s aquarium (Billy my pet turtle)
Then I threw up, ahhhhhhhh!
Mama ran to the rescue; “oh ano na naman yan?”
“tigas ng ulo mo kasi ilang beses ka nang pinapapasok sa loob ng bahay ayaw mong sumunod, nagkasakit ka na dito sa balwarte mo”.
“I will be okay mama” then I stand up again and I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

I washed my face then I brushed my big hair with my fingers and then boom there was a mirror in front of me, “huh, ako na ba to?”
Now I know why Mama is crying for me, I carefully checked my face.
My face was too pale, and then I start checking for my whole stats.
Lips pale, eyes gloomy, skin, ahhmp pale too.
Cheeks, neck, chest, waist, arms and legs I cannot deny it to myself, too skinny! 
My waist which used to be 31 inches is now around 28 inches.
And my tummy which used to be bulky is now flat and soft.
Ahmm… do I have to cry? Or do I have to feel pity for myself like what other people always implying on me?
I guess enough of drama; I have to make a move.

And then there I go, I packed all my things and I transfer everything inside the house, leaving behind my balwarte empty and dark once again.
"Goodbye Dada", I whisper in the air, I waved goodbye to the so-called lady, a stray spirit who’s dwelling with me in my balwarte, which according to my esperitista/manggagamot na uncle;
“naku utoy, malaki ang pagkagusto sayo ng babaing yan, yang asa balat mo gawa nya yan, siguro ayaw ka nyang paalisin ng bahay para lagi kang nakikita nya”.

Even before there were sightings of a so-called lady silhouette passing thru or standing next to my mama’s sampayan.
Nan, first noticed that there was a certain shadow once he moves his eyes to his left side, the direction where the sampayan is located.
“Ah siguro visual effects lang yan, or caused ng matagal mong pagtitig sa monitor ng laptop”.

We don’t really pay much attention to her, but it always happens even to me.
“kuya bakit parang me dumadaan sa likod ko?”
My cousin complaint, and like what I told to Nan, I tried to explain to her about those so-called visual effects, and so on and so forth.
Lastly Jeff my brother’s best friend who always used to sat down with me while surfing the net.
“O kuya naninindig ang balahibo ko parang me tao sa likuran ko”
Then I was pushed to tell the truth, “Ah that’s Dada” I told him.
“Who’s and what is Dada?” Jeff asked.
“Ah nothing special about her, she’s the lady spirit roaming and dwelling with me here in my balwarte”. 
“Ah stop mentioning about her, iiwanan kita dito I don’t want to talk about ghost or spirit” Jeff said.
“Hahahaha, Dada means short for dadaan sya”.
Then I laughed. “Don’t be afraid of her she won’t do anything to you coz you’re not as handsome as me”.  
I tried to cheer him up by cracking some jokes.
“How about samahan kita dito? Para di ka minumulto?” he said.
“Kaw bahala” I replied to him.

Hahaha anyways this isn’t about that freaking spirit or whatsoever, 
It’s about something much more important to me; my health!
Last night I received text message from Josema.
“I am happy and I hope you’re happy too, you’re not a loser, so stop being that kind of person who always cries” he said.
I was watching tv that time, got no load so I open my laptop and I replied to his message right away.
 “I will be okay; I’m starting to fix myself and planning for tomorrow”.
I was referring to my future plans, 
I told him about Nan’s message to me last time; 
“When I was in great need I couldn’t turn to you pala coz sobrang nakafocus ka sa sarili mo” (Nan’s original message).
“Di naman, sobrang mahal mo lang sarili mo, sobra10x” Josema’s replied.
Ahhhhhh I was so busy trying to get well pala, di ko man lang nagawang alamin ang kalagayan nya.


I put a status message at my ym; “Kuya Edgar selfish daw ako?”
I was typing a draft for this entry when Kuya Edgar replied; “oo nga” he said. Followed by “joke lang, sino ba nagsabi?, baka namimisunderstand ka lang nila”…
 
I told him about everything, and then he advised me to stop worrying. “You should focus on more important things in life”.
He never fails to give a good advice, a guardian angel in disguise from Saudi Arabia, hehehehe.
Now all of Kuya’s words are starting to take shape, 
He’s right, he is always right.
I have to focus on more important things in my life, on how to recover from sickness and having a new job later on.
I have told Kuya that I want to work abroad too, then he said; “go on!”
Later this year I am going to pursue my application to work abroad.
I want to change things; I want to be worthy.
I want to be the best of who I am, to make my Mama proud.
To be a good provider to my family. 
To be the person that I should be, to my friends; Nan and Josema.
I know that I have been too unfair to both of them.


“Wala daw isang taong bagyo, bukas o makalawa magliliwanag na ulit ang kalangitan”.