Ram versus Mar

God's Way Of Humbling Our Nation

2009-10-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

Nagiging mainit na ang panahon, muli nang bumabalik sa dati ang takbo ng buhay sa lansangan para sa marami, pero sino ang kagad agad na makakalimot sa trahedya na dinulot ng bagyong Ondoy?
Oo wala ako sa lugar namin sa gabing dumatal ang delubyo, wala ako sa bahay namin nung araw na umapaw ang lawa ng Laguna.

Hapon ng Byernes noon ng nilisan ko ang bahay namin sa Cabuyao, tulad ng nakagawian nagkita kami ng aking kaibigan upang sa kanila ako magpalipas ng araw ng Sabado para sabay na kami pumunta sa Alabang para umattend ng mass service, planado na ang lahat ng araw pa lang ng Huwebes, umaga ng sabado dapat gumising ng maaga upang mag-jogging sa gilid ng Lawa ng Sampalok, subalit habang lumalalim ang gabi bumuhos ang matinding ulan at tila ba parang mga mumunting piraso ng bato ang bigat ng bawat patak nito, mabigat at maingay ito. Mga tagpong hindi ko talaga nagustuhan simula nung ako ay bata pa, ewan ko ba kung bakit ayaw ko sa tag ulan, sabi ng iba simbolo daw yun ng biyaya, pero para sa kin simbolo sya ng kalungkutan, tumatangis na langit at naghihinagpis ng kalooban.

Sabado ng umaga malakas na malakas ang ulan, maghapon na tila wala araw sa dilim ng kalangitan, walang tigil ang buhos ng ulan, maghapon kami hindi nakalabas ng bahay. Ginugol ko ang oras ko para magpahinga at paminsan minsan magcheck ng email ko, hindi ko sinadyang manuod ng telebisyo ng araw nay un, siguro dahil sa umuulan at kakaiba ang aking pakiramdam basta bumubuhos ang ulan. Umaga ng lingo ika-27, kahila-hilakbot ang nilalaman mga bawat mga balita sa telebisyon, ang Punong Lungsod ay nilunod ng ulan, ng umapaw na mga ilog at lawa, nilamon ang bawat gusali at mga bahay, maraming umiiyak na tao, bata matanda, nawawalan daw sila ng mga miyembro ng pamilya, nasira daw ang bahay at inanod ang mga kasangpan nila.
Walang pinili ang unos lahat ay nakatikim sa pagkakataon na yun. Walang kasarian at gulang na nakaligtas sa tindi ng pagbuhos ng ulan, sa bilis ng pagtaas ng tubig, epekto daw ng nagbabagong klima ang dahilan, para sa kin paraan ito para muling magpakilala ang Diyos, nakakatuwa at nakakalungkot na kung kelan lang me sakuna, dun lang nila nagagawang magdasal at tumawag sa Ama sa itaas.

Sa tagpong yun din naging pantay pantay ang kalagayan ng mga tao sa gitna ng baha at ulan, nawala ang mayaman at mahirap, naging iisa na lang ang kanilang estado at katayuan, “mga biktima”…

Naging isa ako sa mga taong hindi gaanong naramdaman ang bagsik ng delubyong dumatal sa bansa, wala man akong kusing sa aking bulsa, pinili ko pa ring tumutulong sa mga nasalanta, nakiisa ako sa mga volunteers sa Red Cross para magrepack ng mga damit…

Masarap ang pakiramdam at walang katumbas na pera ang aking naranasan…

In every time of adversities do not seek for strong buildings to be your refuge, but rather seek God as your refuge …

Because God’s love is unfailing and never ending, He rules the entire universe and he controls all the elements of nature….

Know your God today and honored Him, for He is faithful and righteous….

Hanggang Kailan?

2009-09-26T11:15:00.000-07:00

Kelan ba pwedeng sabihin na masaya ang isang tao?
Kapag tumatawa sya?
Nakangiti?
Malabo yun dahil ang dali naman dayain ang ekspresyon ng panlabas nating anyo, napakadali magkunwari na masaya tayo sa harap ng ibang mga tao, ang dali nila makumbinsi, pero kung gano kadali dayain ng iba, sampung ulit naman ganun kahirap dayain ang sarili natin.

Minsan may mga bagay tayo na gusto, pipilitin mo tong makuha kahit ano pa ang maging kapalit, isusugal pa rin natin basta lang makuha yun, di basta yung bagay na yun ang talagang gusto natin makuha, kundi yung pakiramdam ng tinatawagang na satisfaction at contentment, karaniwan nakuha man natin sa sapilitan ang isang bagay na gusto natin subalit masasabi ba talaga natin na masaya tayo dahil nasa kamay na natin ang bagay na yun?

Tulad din sya ng pakiramdam na pinipilit, masarap yung pakiramdam na kusang nagiging sayo ang isang bagay na gusto mo, tulad ng kasayahang kusang nararamdaman at hindi pinipilit .

Oo siguro okay lang na magkunwari tayo sa ibang tao pero hanggang kelan natin kayang itago ang bigat ng ating pakiramdam?

Alam mo yung pakiramdam ng isang taong may hyper acidity? Na tuwing maisstress sya parang hinahalukay ang kanyang lamang loob?
Madaming beses ko na yung nararansan dahil madalas akong depress lately.
Wag daw magpaka stress pero kaya ba nating pigilan ang isip natin na mag-isip? Ang hirap eh parang hiniling na din sa kin na wag na kong huminga, ganun kahirap.

Di naman sa reklamador akong tao pero alam mo yun, ang bagal ng phasing ng buhay ko, ang bagal, bagal, bagal….
Mali din kasi yung aantayin ko na lang dumating yung isang bagay na mangyari sa kin, pero tuwing sasabak ako para kunin ang mga gusto ko, di ko makuha, lagi ko piniplit abutin yung mga mga gusto ko. Yung tipong handa akong akyatin kahit gano man yun kataas para lang malapitan ang mga bagay na yun, subalit kapag nandun na ko at abot kamay na lang lahat, lagi akong nahuhulog. Ilang ulit ko na pinilit gawing tama ang lahat pero ganun pa rin. Luhaan pa rin, ang hirap hirap abutin ng mga bagay na gusto mo, ayokong isipin na kaya hindi ko makuha ang mga yun ay dahil hindi yun para sa akin.

Dedikasyon, malamang kulang daw ako, konbiksyon ala daw ako nun.
Ang galling magsabi ng ilan ng mga ganung mga bagay samantalang di naman nila alam ang pakiramdam ng nasa kinalalagyan ko…

Kakainggit nga ang iba eh alam mo yun parang ang perpekto na ng buhay nila, nasa kanila na ang lahat na bagay na kailangan nila. Nakukuha nila lahat na gusto nila…

Pero pagkaminsan naiisip ko parang okay lang din na ipinanganak ako na halos walang wala, di maganda ang buhay, yung laging kumakalam ang sikmura. Yung hanggang sa tingin na lang yung mga bagay na gusto ko, hanggang pantasya na lang yung mga lugar na gusto kong puntahan, hanggang hiram na lang ang lahat na bagay sa buhay ko, simula sa sapin sa paa hanggang sa saklob sa aking ulo.
Humahantong din na hanggang sa pag-ibig nakikihati o nakikihiram lang din ako.

Kung nasa akin na siguro ang lahat nung ipinanganak ako masasabi ko na hindi ako magiging malakas, hindi na ko mangagarap, hindi na ko magpapantasya., hindi ko na masasabing “Survivor Ako”…
Hindi ko din siguro mararanasan yung sarap ng pakiramdam habang bumubuhos ang luha ko sa tuwa o sa kapighatian man, dahil wala na kong dahilan para maging malungkot dahil magiging napakadali na para sa kin na makuha ang lahat na gusto ko….

Minsan sabi sa preaching ng isa sa mga pastors namin, lahat me nakalaan si God para sa tin, nagkakataon lang na nauuna maibigay sa iba yung para sa kanila at nahuhuli yung sa iba, di dahil may paborito sya o me mas inuuna, kundi ibibibigay nya ang nakalaan sa bawat isa sa tamang panahon.

Para sa kin para itong pagtatanim, kung ano ang itinanim mo, yun din ang aanihin mo. Masarap isipin na tulad ng isang bunga o isang prutas, inaantay na lamang itong mahinog!

Good thing comes for those who wait nga daw sabi sa isang klasikong kanta…

Di ko man batid kung kelan maaani ang bunga ng aking mga itinanim, masarap isipin na may hinihintay din pala ako, sa tamang panahon at pagkakataon matatamasa ko din ang lahat ng bunga ng aking ipinunla…

Sa ngayon tiis muna sa pagdildil ng asin, bukas tyak magkakaroon ng piging!

P A I N

2009-09-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Pain,

Thank you for coming into my life.
There are times that I cursed you, pushed you away. But I was a fool, because maybe I was still nobody if it’s not because of you, you had made me much stronger and wiser, better and braver.
Pity for those who don’t know you, they’re missing the true essence of life.
If it’s not because of you; life will be boring, dull and blunt. Because of you I had met your other brother, and I had appreciated more of your existence. Because of you, I had learned that Happiness will be nameless. Joy your other sister will be taken for granted by many.
Pain you are indeed great and powerful, sometimes you are very cunning but the truth of the matter is you make life so tasteful…
I want to thank you for helping me to become more human. Thank you for the wonderful experiences that I had with you, such as crying. Thank you for such unexplainable feelings that it brought to me. For the longest period of times I am always trying to run away from you, I had avoided you most of the times; yes maybe I am afraid of you.
But I already know what you are, Pain you had become my best friend, my shadow, you are the only feeling that I know, I hate to say this, but your brother; Happiness seems to be so hard to reach and I really can’t tame him. I would like to have him here in my life, but he’s always out of sight. Yes I know he don’t want to befriend with me. First it was hard to accept that we are really not meant to me become friends. You made me realized that I don’t need to run after him, I already have you, and I know that you don’t have any plans of leaving…

Many thanks,
RamsVersusMar

The C R Conversation

2009-09-05T01:50:00.000-07:00

R: “Hello good morning so how was your day? I know you’re happy right now coz your mahal is with you.”

C: “no he’s not here, something’s came up and he didn’t come.”
“But I’m okay.”

R: “are you sure you’re okay?”

C: “yes definitely I am 100% okay”

R: “I can sense you from here, you are not okay.”

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

C: “Bezt my mahal texted me and he told me that he is watching KIMY-DORA, and he’s alone, Adik! “
R: “Bezt I doubt it, maybe he is not alone. I can’t take that kind of lame reason why he didn’t came to your house today, what? Because he’s going to watch a movie alone? Is it enough?

C: “I will be okay, I mean I am okay.”

R: “of course not, you are not okay.”

NIGHT CAME

C: “he texted me and he said he needs to see me coz there is something very important that he needs to say and do.”

R: “don’t be negative, maybe that’s not what you think he’s gonna do. “

C: “basta I’m breaking up with him.”

R: “please don’t do that, don’t make decisions when you’re mad.”

THE NEXT MORNING

C: “good morning Bezt, I’m on my way to school now, sh*t I can’t help myself from crying. “

R: “what’s wrong is the two of you finally over? .”

C: “no, I just can’t take the way he’s treating me .”

R: “Bezt I’ll let you do the final decision, basta for as long as you’re going to be happy with what you choose, I will always be here to support you, no matter which one you choose, either you let go of him or you give him another chance.”

C: “thank you so much Bezt, yes that’s what I am doing right now I am giving him another chance.”

R: “but then, everything has an end, and again I will still suggest you choose the things that will make you happy and I will stand beside you and respect your decisions.”

AFTERNOON CAME

C: “Bezt I am going to make a drastic decision later tonight and you are the only person whom I know I can hold on to.”

R: “go ahead my friend, do what you got to do, I won’t leave you, I will always be here for you no matter what happen.”

(I had received numerous texts telling me that he is in pain and he is crying)

NIGHT CAME

C: “Bezt I decided to take a rest from our relationship, we’re currently in a cool off stage.”

R: “is that what will make you happy? “

C: “I may not be happy to know that maybe eventually our relationship will soon be over, but doing this will somehow ease the pain here in my chest. “

I am very proud of your decision, you’ve done the things I cannot do or let’s say I am afraid of doing, I don’t know if until when I am going to nurse this stupid feelings, you are indeed braver than me. You’d choose to end up the fire long before it totally burned you.

But the thing is;

You lied to me when you said you’re going to be okay, coz it will take a long time for you to be okay.

Rest assured my Bezt, I won’t leave you during your worst days! . . .

Addicted To You

2009-09-04T23:51:00.000-07:00

I love you so much that the whole combined numbers of the stars above will never be enough to measure my love for you.

You are the reasons why I want to wake up every morning, the reason why I smile frequently and the reason why I keep myself in shape so that I will stay pleasing to your eyes.
Though we’re far apart and the possibility of seeing each other now is pretty slim.
But my faith was so strong that I can move a mountain just to see you.

Waking every morning alone was one of the most painful parts of the day.
Waking up away from you is another day of struggles, another of yearning for your presence.
Loving you wasn’t easy; it’s like planting thousand of painful seeds here in my chest.
But no matter what I do, I just can’t quit loving you. Maybe it’s true that I am ten thousand times addicted to you.

I don’t care about what other people will say or how many of them will raise their brows unto us.
Tragic to be like us, the whole world is against us.

For as long as you are there and we shares the same goal; to be together forever. My faith for our so-called love will never perish.

Being lonely is maybe the consequence of being away from you; I just wish somehow you could feel the same way I am feeling right now.

Yes maybe there is a valid reason behind all of this.
For life is about taking chances I am giving myself the benefits of the doubt.
It’s the only way I can make myself calm, yes I cannot afford to lost you this time.

Please I cannot win this battle alone, let’s fight together for our feelings and for our beliefs, and for our future.

Though the stars may not be bright tonight, let the light of our so-called love guides us through….

Ang Pagtatampo

2009-09-04T22:57:00.001-07:00

Ano ba ang pwede mong sabihin,
Sa pusong puno ng pagkalito,
Upang humupa ang pagtangis nito?
Kumupis ang mga matang pugto
At tuluyang malinawan ito?

Na ang buhay ay walang katapusang pasakit,
Iilan lang ba ang nabuhay na lumaban sa sakit na dulot ng pagkalito?

Nais kong magtanong ng opinyon nyo,
Tama bang kimkimin ang lihim na pagtatampo?
O hayaang tuluyang sumabog ito?
Hayaang malayaang bumuhos ang mga luha
Sa mga matang walang nais mapagmasdan ay ang wangis ng sinisinta.

Mga mata ko’y nasisilam sa hapdi,
Puso ko’y nagdurugo sa pait.
Dibdib ko’y puno na ng puot at sakit.
Mali nga ba na ika’y ibigin ko?
Nararapat na nga bang tapusin na ito?

Kelan ba mawawala ang balaraw sa aking dibdib?
Kelan ba ang puso ko’y tuluyang mamanhid?
Kung ang nag-iisang sinisigaw ay ikaw?
Ang nag-iisang sanhi ng aking pagtangis.
Ang nag-iisang dahilan kung bakit ang pait ay nagiging tamis.

Irog ko alam mong hindi talaga kita mahal.
Kundi sampung beses kitang iniibig.
Baliw ba ako?
O sadyang mapagtiis?
Martir ba akong matatawag,
O sadyang ayaw lang iwan ang iniibig?

Batid kong lilisan ka din tulad ng mga nauna.
Subalit nais kong wag naman kaagad muna.

My Friend, My Brother...

2009-09-04T21:31:00.000-07:00

I may not be able to change the past, but I can be better in the future.
A better person to everybody and a better man to myself.

The past three months was never been easy and I’ve been busy abusing myself and other people as well.
There are times when I can no longer feel comfortable with my own skin.
During those awful times of my life, there is always one special person that I always turn to, the one whom I regarded as a brother.
Funny because I have never admitted to myself that it was my flaws.
I had kept on blaming other people for my fall and my loses.

there are numerous times that I can't easily let go of something or someone, but on the night of my birthday after exchanging some sharp words with a friend, my blood rushed to my head and I begin to yell and nasty words came out of my mouth as it was overflowing.

My mind was very cloudy that moment, it was a split second decision; to let go of my friend or to keep him.
My rageful heart finally won and I let go of him, I let go of someone who's very dear to me.
And still I continue to hold on my beliefs that I have nothing to ask for forgiveness.

One afternoon I decided to check my blogpage and I saw some fresh entries from my dear friend.
I believe I had read three of his fresh entries and as I was reading them, my eyes became teary. How come that I couldn't understand this person? I know him so well and I am aware of the burdens being cast upon his shoulders. I don't know if stepping down from being his confidante; ease some of his heavy loads.

Regardless of everything, he is still my friend and that is something that I cannot deny.

The intensity of the emotions in his entries was very high.
I could even see his face as if he was telling me the whole story.
I can hear his voice shivering; I can even see his tears from his eyes as they started to shed.

Where am I when he needs me the most?
Why did I become so naive and so insensitive?

He is not just a friend, but a brother.

I may sounds dramatic or shallow, but I just wanted to say sorry for everything and you probably don’t know this, I love you as a real brother and it will never change.

(5 days later)

Sunday finally came and as I had planned, I am going to talk to him and finally put a dot to our hidden feud. I have arrived at the center a bit early to meet a friend. And as the time goes, I frequently look around as my eyes keeps on searching for him.
4 pm came and still no traces of him, I decided to text him and ask for his whereabouts.
I texted him thrice, yet still I got no reply from him.
It was the last part of the Genuine Series, where Pastor Ariel Marquez takes the center stage to execute the preaching, it’s about sufferings and hardships in life. I knew him so well and his determinations to finish this series from the book of James were so strong that no calamities on Earth could ever stops him from coming.
I texted him again and wish that he was there with us inside the center.

The following morning I checked my inbox and found texts messages from him and he said;

“uy thanks, may sakit kasi ako kahapon hanggang ngayon, pero ok naman ako. Salamat”.

I told him about the last Sunday’s activity and he replied;
“nanghihinayang nga ako, hay saying talaga, mejo ok na ko, salamat, kita na lang tayo sa Sunday, kaw din ingat”.

Just like a real brother, I know he will never despise me.

Regardless of what happens in the past he will always be a friend, a real good friend to be exact.
And we will be friends for the next 3000 years to come…

God Bless my friend, my brother!

Ang Ating Laban

2009-08-07T02:07:00.000-07:00

Kay lakas ng ulan ng gabing iyon
Malakas ang bagsak ng bawat patak ,
Subalit ang kabog ng aking dibdib
Panaghoy ng aking pagkatao ay higit na umaalingaw-ngaw
sa apat na sulok ng silid.

Panaghoy ng pusong nasasaktan
Paghikbi ng naguguluhang katauhan,
Bumangon ako at tinungo ang paliguan,
Pilit na hinugasan ang mga dumi sa aking katawan,
Mga luha ko’y dumaloy ng tulad ng ulan.
Pilit kong inamo ang mga mata kong nasisilam.

Subalit ang hapdi ng bawat himay-may
Ng aking kalooban ay pilit na nag-uumapaw.
Hanggang ang mga tuhod ko’y bumigay na rin.
Nawalan ng panimbang at lubusang napaluhod
Habang tumatangis.

Ang kaawa awa kong pagkatao,
Di ko na namalayang nauupos na pala.
Nauubos at natutunaw sa gitna ng init
na dulot ng malupit na pagmamahalan.

Pinipilit kong lumaban
para sa aking mga pananaw at pinaniniwalaan.
Para sa taong aking buong pusong itinatangi,
Iniirog at pinagpipitaganan.
Hindi ko man batid kong hanggang kailan
Ang mga mata ko’y mananatiling luhaan
at ang puso ko’y mahihirapan.

Patuloy akong aasang tayo’y mauunawaan
Ng sangkatauhan.
Kung bakit pinili nating maging mali sa kanilang mga mata.
Kung bakit tayo nanatiling nakikipaglaban
Para sa pantay na karapatan.

Nais kong tumakas
Tumakbo, iwasan ang mga kanilang katanungan.
Magtago sa mundong higit na pinaniniwalaan
ang kani kanilang karunungan,
mga mapanuri nilang mga mata.
At ng matatalim nilang pananalita
Sila ba talaga ang tama?

Nais kong ipaglaban ang aking nararamdaman.
Bigyan ng hustisya ang bawat kong panaghoy
Ipaintindi na ikaw at ako’y mga tao rin lamang.
May pantay na karapatan,
Karapatang makaramdam ng kakaibang kasiyahan.
Dulot ng isang wagas na pagmamahalan.

Maaring hindi tayo nila maiintindihan
Subalit hangga’t ika’y nandyan.
Buong gilas kong ipaglalaban ang ating pagmamahalan.
Mali man sa karamihan,
Para sa kin mas mahalaga ang ating nararamdaman.
Higit sa ginto o ilang baul ng kayamanan,
Maaring magtanong ka din aking hirang,
Hanggang kailan tayo makikipaglaban?

Hanggan’t tayo’y may hininga at ulirat,
Hangga’t ang puso mo’y ako ang isinisigaw,
Lumpuhin man ako ng karamdaman,
Pilit kong ipaglalaban ang ating pagmamahalan.

Dahil sa mundong ating ginagalawan
Lahat ay maari nating makalaban.
Basta humawak ka lang sa aking mga palad.
Magiging malakas ako at patuloy na makikibaka
Para sa ating pagmamahalan.

Kay sarap isiping nandyan ka at handang umagapay.
Makikipagsapalaran na kasama ko.
Kahit hindi natin batid kung tayo’y hanggang saan makikipaglaban.

Dearest FY. . .

2009-08-07T01:23:00.000-07:00

I may not be in the position to judge you, for we don’t feel the same,
We don’t think the same, we don’t talk the same and we don’t see things the same.

We are two different individuals with different mindsets and principles.
Maybe stepping twice or thrice backwards from each other would be the best solution to heal our feud.

But silence won’t help us, it will somehow fuel our rageful hearts and before we know it, our friendships are already gone wasted.

Indeed you are one of the most beloved people in my life and I endeared you as a brother. I hope you know exactly when and how to approach a person whose heart is in full rage, caused by his emotional dilemmas.

With no doubts, I know that you only want what’s the best for me and for my soul as well, to the extend that you already crossed the line, I’m talking about limitations.
And I hope you know what I mean. We’re both grown ups and just what I only asks from you is please respect my feelings and decisions.
Just like you I am sensitive too, especially today, where I don’t know where to go and to whom I could possibly turn to. For number of instances you had become my refuge. The only shoulder that I can freely cry on.

I cannot change overnight, I’ve been trying to minimize everything now, and maybe you don’t see how I dramatically changed from a hooker into a church-goer.

I admitted everything, it wasn’t you, it was me, blame me for everything.
There are times that I can’t see things clearly or I speak with lustful and unrefined words that pissed you off!
But that’s me with no pretensions, just like you I am not a perfect person, I am prone to make mistakes too.

I don’t want everything to go to waste; we don’t come this far just to leave each other in the middle of thin air.

The last time I saw you, I wanted to say something, just to clarify every strands of the issue. But I can’t find the right words to say, the right timing to start talking. And when the right feeling came, you are already sleeping.
I have to leave that day; I left the house with weary heart and teary eyes.
Yes it is the consequences that came after my reckless actions.
No matter how much I regretted that night, I can’t simply turn back the hands of time.

Maybe it wasn’t happened without any valid reasons, for in there is no accident in this world.

I honestly don’t know how you’re going to react to this.

But we’re friends and you probably understand the things that words can’t say!

....For I Am Not Like You!

2009-08-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

I envy you for you were born normal, unlike me; I am sick and impaired.
Perhaps you had never experienced how to be so frail, how to be so weak and how to be so helpless.
Indeed you are so lucky you’re not like me.

But I dare you; have you ever fall in love so deep that you could almost die in an instant if you lost that someone whom you treasure the most.
Have you ever fall asleep with a smile in your lips knowing that tomorrow will be another day and another life with that special person in your life?
despite of every ordeals that you have to conquer, to fight for your feelings and for your believes.

You simply don’t know the feelings of being someone like me.
Call me a loser,
A bastard,
A freak,

I won’t fight back because I know that in some ways, I am way much better than you!
But saying such thing won’t lessen my pain, it won’t simply drive away the burden that I have inside me.

Yes maybe I am very emotional in a way I explain my feelings, the way I fight for this cliché thing called love!

Words are not enough to just simply explains how it works or how it cause things to fall down and crash, how it caused me to lose my whole entire being as a man.

I just don’t know what to do, for I love you so.
Before I don’t even have you in my vocabulary, now you’re the only thing here in my mind.
The name I always want to utter, your scent that lingers, your kiss that has took my breath away a thousand times.

Now I am being asked to let go of you.
To despise the only person that has conquered my whole being.
To just throw away the one who cause me to smile and cry at the same time.
My source of joy and despairs.

Please could you please spare my happiness?
I had left my home and all the comforts that I have, just to be with this person.
Now I am being forced to give up this relationship.

My heart is weary and exhausted; don’t know what the future will bring forth for me.
For as long as I don’t hurt anyone or for as long as I am not alone in this battle, I will fight for what I believe.

A friend ask me; “if all the normal people in this planet can’t understand us, do you think the good Lord God will understand us why we are like this?”

I replied; “I believe He understand us, for he will not created us and just left and despise us for we are not normal, I believe that we are not just a mere flaws of His creations”.

Pity for those who can’t understand us.

THANKS...

2009-08-04T07:24:00.001-07:00

It may be a bit late, but not too late to thanks those who had greeted me on my birthday…

LEO JULIAN PEREZ: hapi bday ulet
(He originally greeted me a week before my birthday and then he greeted me tru text at exactly 12:00am, August 02)

From a NO NAMER who refused to give his name; Happy bday mar… wish u gud health, great job soon and beautiful lyf ahead.

VARIAN MAZO: waah! Nk2log ako! Sorry, sorry =( e-mail ko na lang ang details for application, sorry tlga tol. Happy birthday

CHRIS TORINO: Happy bday bezt! Hmm… Wish u q 4ur bday ay mkahanap kna ng work! Hehe. Muwah! Lub bezt! Hehe

CECIL: hapi bday wsh u ol best nd hpe ur dream wl cme true.

JEROME JAOCHICO: Happy b-day!

DEXTER TENORIO: happy birthday bro! kitakits d2 sa church!

DANG: hapi bday..

MICHAEL BRYAN BONUS: Bro,wg mu icpn n mdumi ka o mkslnan, dhl kng aq nbgo at ngng maaus ang buhayq, mg2ng maaus dn buhay mu! Keep d fire burning! Seek God above all else! Ask for guidance! Lam qng mhrap bro, pero kya mu yn! Dahil anjnc God pra 2lungn ka! Read ur bible and pray everyday! Happy Birthday ult! And Godbless!

CHRIS TORINO: bezt! Thank u so much 4 d invitation, I enjoy it…This was d 1st time I join a small grup, I like it, salamat po! Happy bday Godbless!

DEXTER TENORIO: Happy Birthday ulet bro! C u again next week. Un gift ko sayu dalhin ko if mkkpunta ka ng Thursday. I forgot kasi 

EDGAR REYES: maligayang birthday sau...
simpleng wish na sana magkatotoo. kasi un naman ang mahalaga sa buhay, ang maging maligaya at ang lahat ay sususnod na lang.
ingat lagi, sana'y ang bawat mga kahilingan na nabigkas at nasa puso mo sa mahalagang araw na ito ay magkaroon ng katuparan...
[ang lalim huh!...happy birthday!]

MARK on Friendster: Happy Birthday poh!!
hope uL gEt whatever u wish for
in ur birthday!! & wish u ol d best
things in life:-)
take care!!...

LINO TABORNAL: Wishing you all the great things in life, hope this day will bring you an extra share of all that makes you happiest. Happy Birthday, and may all the wishes and dreams you dream today turn to reality. May this day bring to you all things that make you smile. Your best years are still ahead of you. May each and every passing year bring you wisdom, peace and cheer. You'll always be forever young. God gave a gift to the world when you were born; a person who loves and cares, who sees a person's need and fills it, who encourages and lifts people up, who spends energy on others rather than himself, who touches each life he enters & makes a difference in the world. May the love you have shown to others return to you multiplied.
No one can hold a candle to you. Happy Birthday!

VIRGO SIBOY: For everything that happens in our lives, there is always a reason and a mission..
Let the reason be GOD and
let the mission be LOVE..
And whatever happens.. don't count the things that you've done for someone.
Instead, count the number of times you felt better, just because you made them happy.
And it's not about where you are now, but who you'll be and .. where you'll be after tomorrow?
Be blessed and let your family and friends feel you also care for them on this day forward.. HAPI BEER DAY

To Michael Bryan Bonus; thank you so much for your compassionate heart, your down to earth attitude, for being my friend and my confidante...

To Fernand Yim; thank you for being part of my life, and please forgive me for all of my shortcomings.

To Dexter Tenorio; thanks for being such a wonderful leader...

I Don't Feel Any Pressure Right Now

2009-08-04T05:34:00.000-07:00

“Mr. Regalado” the med tech called my name and asks me to come inside the Laboratory for a short medical interview, “is this your first time to donate a blood?” she asks.
Yes ma’am it is my first time. And then she continue to ask questions and then as she asks more questions she proceeded to get the actual vital stats, the blood pressure, weights and body temperature. She examined my arms and look for possible needle entry.

She examined my arms one after the other and looks for the venipuncture points.
She put the first needle in my left arm and extracted some blood for initial examination. As she was about to puncture my arm, she asks more questions just to divert my attention, “Ma’am you don’t have to trick me, don’t worry I am not afraid of needles and I will surely be okay. And don’t you know that I love watching my blood being extracted from my arm?” yes I do, I am not bragging about it…
“Okay sir but the next needle would be thrice the size of this one” Ms. Gina Reyes the med tech says.

“Well it’s just a needle and it won’t cause me much pain, I have emotional problems right now and it may not as pointed as the needle tip, but it’s more painful than being punctured by thousands of needles”…

“At the end of the day God will be as passionate as ever and He will ease all my pains now that's something I am not going to be tired of bragging about”.

“Okay sir, you may go back to the lobby and I will call you back for your major blood extraction”.

After 10 minutes I was ask to go back inside, “Sir please lay down here and we will proceed to blood extraction, says the head pathologists, as they prepare all the necessary things like the blood bag, and other stuffs. I was waiting for the med tech to ask me if I am nervous, hahaha well I am ready to answer her with; “ I don’t feel any pressure right now, despite that it is my very first time to donate a blood, and my family is one of the most important persons in my life”…

I originally went to Asian Hospital to donate some blood for Tina de Vera and since she no longer needs any blood replacement, I agreed with the med tech to just donate my blood to other patient, although the recipient is still nameless, I know that my blood will somehow will save life.

My day at the Asian Hospital ends up and as I leave the laboratory, the head pathologist handed me with a yellow t-shirt, she says, “It’s our simple way of thanking you as one of our blood donor”.

Special thanks to Ms. Gina Reyes for some of my shots…

Honor God, Make Disciples

2009-07-20T05:21:00.000-07:00

My Sunday starts with a very hot and humid afternoon, and as the day ends, rains started to pours…

….a signs of blessings? Well maybe….

It was a very hectic and kind of short day for me, as I started my preparations for job hunting for following day.

And of course the first time I am going to the mass service with ehem, Mr. Fernand Yim. As I am on a jeep to Starmall I am texting with my other friend, Alvin from San Pedro.

Our conversation started with our favorite line, he texted me with “Ahem B-)”.

Followed by; “uy kumusta ka na? How was your asthma?”

He replied; “eto so far I am four days absent and I am being left all alone here in our apartment.”

Then I suggested, “Do you wanna come over here in Alabang?”

He was expecting that it is going to be a regular Sunday gimmick.

And the magic word starts to cast its own magic through text message.

“Guess what? We are going to attend the 6pm mass with Fernand and I will introduce you to my Small Group”, I am referring to Dexter and Bryan and the rest of the group…

It was a surprise to him, to read that kind of messages, coz he had never ever expecting that I am a church goer, hahahaha…. For some funny reasons, we’ve met in an inuman session in their apartment in Sta. Rosa way back a month ago.

He replied with, “sige, sige gusto ko umattend”, I believe he’s not the only person who was surprised that day, coz even me, I had never expecting he’s going to come, I mean with his kind of lifestyle? I bet his not gonna come, no matter how much I try to convince him. But God used me to bring another member of his family back to His house and arms again.

That fateful night started at 4pm when Dexter texted me and asked where I am?

It was a signal that our small group is about to start. I rushed to the Victory Center and I brought along my best friend Nan, while we were waiting for Alvin.

I introduced Nan to Dexter and we step inside the Center to bring Nicole a.k.a. Chuchay to the Kids Fellowship, where we had met a lady asking us to why not join the kids?

We both frowned, “ha, ang tanda na naming para umattend sa kids.”

And she replied, “no I mean do you guys wanna try to be part of our team and teach and kids at the same time?”

Aaaaaaah…. Now we understand more clearly and we response; “we will try to.”

I check out my cellphone and found out that Alvin is already at the meeting place, I rushed to the said place and usher him to the Center, where later he met Dexter and the rest of the Small Group.

The Small Group session shortly followed after having some snacks.

Fernand, Alvin and I were being lead by Ace. Though I am originally belonging to Dexter and Bryan, I had taken the opportunity to share the same cluster with them and later watch them as they have their 121 session with Ace and Prince.

Time flew too fast and the Small Group ended, we headed to the hall to attend the general preaching…

The feeling was beyond good it was great actually!

Truly the God almighty is the Multi Generation God, His greatness and power works through times.

As the banner inside the fellowship hall says; “Honor God. Make Disciples”….

I believe I become a fisherman of man by bringing two of my close friend to worship Him once more, and indeed I am proud of myself seeing Alvin walking in the right path with our Lord again…

To Dexter; "bro thanks a lot for everything for being so compassionate and understanding."

To Bryan; "bro astig ka, and hope to have 121 with you soon"…

Small Group Bible Sharing

2009-07-13T04:21:00.000-07:00

The mass service ended at 7:30pm so I walk out of the hall and head for Ate Ella’s place to check if there’s any text messages in my celphone,

I stay for some few more minutes and wait for Jerome and Roel, then Roel said there will be a small group bible sharing down at the food court and he’s inviting me to come, hahaha for the second time I felt like I’m not ready to join, but the force of calling is much more powerful.

We’ve meet with several other young gents and started to greet each other with his and hellos.

Attending small group session like this isn’t my first time since I had attended some at Lighthouse Alabang.

As the session goes on, I finally said to myself; “it’s going to be a habit now”.

I like what we are doing and it’s about time to pay attention to my soul‘s health. Truly it’s the start of nourishing my soul and faith to God.

I would like to thanks the following people;

Ate Ella

Jerome and Roel

Bryan Bonus and Dexter Tenorio

VICTORY out of nowhere!

2009-07-13T03:52:00.000-07:00

Haaaaah……..

Its already 12:31pm, I stand up and quickly head for the bathroom I don’t know why I need to fix myself so early since I have an appointment with my friend Jerome, but we agreed to see each other at 5:00pm.

I open the shower and start to take a bath, and then I’ve found out that all my briefs are hanging at the backyard and still dripping. But that doesn’t stops me from leaving the house I’ve managed to dry it using a hair blower. Hahahaha what a very genius idea.

I fix myself and then off I go without having anything for breakfast or lunch.

I take a tricycle up to the national highway and transfer to a jeepney, my original plan is to go directly to Starmall Alabang, when I reached TS Cruz, suddenly came to me that my friend Niño is working in West Gate so I step down and walk to South Supermarket.

I immediately approach a security guard and ask if there’s a DHL within the whole West Gate area, the replied; “no there is none, if you want you should go to Alabang”.

Wow, I’m a bit disappointed yet I continue to walk up to the road leading to Festival Mall.

As I am walking under the burning sun the tall building caught my attention and I look up as I walk, How magnificent, I mean the whole structure and it’s view.

Finally I’ve reach the mall and I walk inside, I’ve received a text message from Jerome; “asan ka na?” I replied; “dito na sa Festival Mall”. Then he asks me to go to Ate Ella’s place and ask her personally about the apartment. And so I go and walk to Ate Ella’s place, since there are some customers inside the shop. I decided to stay out and wait until there are no more customers.

And as I am looking around I’ve notice that there are too many people in the area and since I’ve never been there for almost 5 months. I walk with some other people up to the main lobby I thought that maybe there’s an art exhibit inside. It doesn’t catch much of my interest so I decided to walk back to Ate Ella’s place.

We had a nice time talking to each other while waiting for Jerome and Roel. Soon the two came and we talk for another couple of minutes and then later on Ate Ella suggested us to attend the 6:00pm mass.

I asked her;” where? At the Expo hall?” she answer; “no, dyan lang oh”, and she points to the direction where once I thought there is an exhibit inside. The two decided to go and attend the mass service while I refused to go with them, then Ate Ella insist that I should go and attend the mass too.

I told her; "why should I go there? I’m not that sinful enough to go and pray for my soul!"

Hahaha…. Very sarcastic, but then she won and I too, attended the mass.

As I enter the hall I felt something that I’ve been longing to feel for the longest period of times.

Since I was raised by my Christian Aunts, we used to attend masses like this when I was still little.

The gospels and the nostalgia reminds me of the good old days when I used to attend the mass with my Aunt Lani,

Truly the name of the church ministry clearly speaks for itself!

VICTORY!

Now I am attending fellowship again and the very first person that came to my mind is my best friend, Fernand Yim, secondly is my Aunt Lani, who’s currently on her 2 years mission on board at MV Doulos.

It’s very ironic knowing that I considered myself as a loser but after attending the mass I have realized that I was wrong all the time because with God, I am true winner!

In every end of the day let us not regards some things as a mere accident, because in this life there is no such things as accident, only fate!

January 1, 2009

2008-12-31T23:52:00.000-08:00

For the past 8 months, my life was in great agony and hatred takes over my mind and my heart. It was a tragic year for me too, I've wasted too much time embracing things and principles that in the
end of a very long realization, i strongly believed that i failed because of my own flaws.

I grieve for my losses, for the friendship that has gone, for a very special person whom i cherished and endeared, It was a dreary and awful going back to that moment,...

I would like to put a dot to that certain part of my life.

I am starting to crawl and eventually gain enough strength to run the race of life again,..

To Nan: many thanks for always being there, for serving as my refuge when things gets tough...
you are magnificent in many ways!

To Jay: salamat kaibigan sa tiwala at sa suporta...

To Josema: we'll see each other, not that soon, but surely we'll meet again.
sorry isn't enough to heal all the issues between the two of us.

To Anne: thank you for everything, i already run out of words to say...

God Bless Us All!

WHAT MAR REGALADO MEANS

2008-08-03T22:56:00.000-07:00

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.
You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.
You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.
You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.
People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.

At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

(visit this URL for your own name: http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/outcome.php)

ALAS DOSE IMPUNTO

2008-08-03T05:27:00.000-07:00

August 01, 2008 12:00 a.m.

24 hours before my 26th Birthday, I had numerous things in my head.
Some future plans and some flashbacks of my failed businesses.
I was about to write things for this entry but emotions pours like a heavy rain. I lay down as my eyes becomes cloudy and my chin starts to rattles.
I look up the ceiling and then I slowly close my eyes, I tried to empty my mind, and start searching for some possible answers to my questions.

Then I let my imagination fly, far away from our house.
To a place where the entire village is no longer visible to my eyes.
Ahhhhh… the air was so fresh and cold. I saw different lights and colors and then I heard different voices;
“Ramon you’re not a loser”.
“Stop crying I love you”.
“Go on you can do it”.
“Give ‘em your best shot, punch ‘em”.
“I miss you please comeback”.
“Touch my bum, that’s life, chickie, chickie”.
And then I chase every voices that I heard, they were familiar to me.
I just want to see their faces just to make sure it was them.
Ah, finally I saw them; they were waving at me;
“Cheer up move on, make a new start”.
Each of them stared at me and cast me with their sweetest smile, the most sincere one.
“Up you should go big boy, aim higher”.
Then I decided to open my eyes, I didn’t mean to cry, my eyes and my face were wet.
I was sobbing that time.

Well, I guess it’s true that life is what we make it;
They often say that we are the author of our own destiny but in my case destiny writes for itself.
Some couple of things came to me like;
“Time is always the essence; you cannot expect to have the same amount of sunshine every morning”.
"Grass isn’t green everyday", "and like a bird that once broke his wing,
I need to find ways to heal myself somehow".

In some ways I know that I cannot expect the same people that they will always be there for me. I guess I need to finally clean up my closet.
Discard everything that is useless and keep only those who were regarded as valuables. In my life I always didn’t get what I want. Now I guess I have to do some drastic moves to finally obtain what I want.
No more drama, no more nice ME.
Aim straight to my target and then shoot it right away…

“Life is a bitch so learn how to fuck!”…..

DADA

2008-07-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

July 30, 2008 / 2:38 a.m.

I couldn’t fall asleep; my eyes are teary and red.
Have to do something worthy, ah how bout writing a new entry?
My head is preoccupied with so many things yesterday, I was about to write something but my body didn’t care to cooperate with my mind.
For about a month I tried to avoid mirrors, I don’t want to see myself or even having a glance of my own face.

2:25 p.m. yesterday, my mom visited me in my so-called balwarte.
I was pretending that I am sleeping, she checked my forehead,
She touched it as if she was trying to get my body temp.
Then I coiled my body as if I’m not aware of her presence.
I gently open my eyes, and then there she was, sitting in front of me.
Her face was cover with white face towel.
Mama is weeping; she was grieving for her beloved son.
I was astonished with her gesture.
Am I already dead? Why is she crying?
“Ma, what’s for lunch? “
Then she replied me with;
“Anong oras na di ka pa pala nanananghalian”.
Then I stand up and start heading for the kitchen, my knees were too lame and my feet are limping.
Ooops unexpectedly, my stomach begins to rumbles,
I rushed to the side next to Billy’s aquarium (Billy my pet turtle)
Then I threw up, ahhhhhhhh!
Mama ran to the rescue; “oh ano na naman yan?”
“tigas ng ulo mo kasi ilang beses ka nang pinapapasok sa loob ng bahay ayaw mong sumunod, nagkasakit ka na dito sa balwarte mo”.
“I will be okay mama” then I stand up again and I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

I washed my face then I brushed my big hair with my fingers and then boom there was a mirror in front of me, “huh, ako na ba to?”
Now I know why Mama is crying for me, I carefully checked my face.
My face was too pale, and then I start checking for my whole stats.
Lips pale, eyes gloomy, skin, ahhmp pale too.
Cheeks, neck, chest, waist, arms and legs I cannot deny it to myself, too skinny!
My waist which used to be 31 inches is now around 28 inches.
And my tummy which used to be bulky is now flat and soft.
Ahmm… do I have to cry? Or do I have to feel pity for myself like what other people always implying on me?
I guess enough of drama; I have to make a move.

And then there I go, I packed all my things and I transfer everything inside the house, leaving behind my balwarte empty and dark once again.
"Goodbye Dada", I whisper in the air, I waved goodbye to the so-called lady, a stray spirit who’s dwelling with me in my balwarte, which according to my esperitista/manggagamot na uncle;
“naku utoy, malaki ang pagkagusto sayo ng babaing yan, yang asa balat mo gawa nya yan, siguro ayaw ka nyang paalisin ng bahay para lagi kang nakikita nya”.

Even before there were sightings of a so-called lady silhouette passing thru or standing next to my mama’s sampayan.
Nan, first noticed that there was a certain shadow once he moves his eyes to his left side, the direction where the sampayan is located.
“Ah siguro visual effects lang yan, or caused ng matagal mong pagtitig sa monitor ng laptop”.

We don’t really pay much attention to her, but it always happens even to me.
“kuya bakit parang me dumadaan sa likod ko?”
My cousin complaint, and like what I told to Nan, I tried to explain to her about those so-called visual effects, and so on and so forth.
Lastly Jeff my brother’s best friend who always used to sat down with me while surfing the net.
“O kuya naninindig ang balahibo ko parang me tao sa likuran ko”
Then I was pushed to tell the truth, “Ah that’s Dada” I told him.
“Who’s and what is Dada?” Jeff asked.
“Ah nothing special about her, she’s the lady spirit roaming and dwelling with me here in my balwarte”.
“Ah stop mentioning about her, iiwanan kita dito I don’t want to talk about ghost or spirit” Jeff said.
“Hahahaha, Dada means short for dadaan sya”.
Then I laughed. “Don’t be afraid of her she won’t do anything to you coz you’re not as handsome as me”.
I tried to cheer him up by cracking some jokes.
“How about samahan kita dito? Para di ka minumulto?” he said.
“Kaw bahala” I replied to him.

Hahaha anyways this isn’t about that freaking spirit or whatsoever,
It’s about something much more important to me; my health!
Last night I received text message from Josema.
“I am happy and I hope you’re happy too, you’re not a loser, so stop being that kind of person who always cries” he said.
I was watching tv that time, got no load so I open my laptop and I replied to his message right away.
“I will be okay; I’m starting to fix myself and planning for tomorrow”.
I was referring to my future plans,
I told him about Nan’s message to me last time;
“When I was in great need I couldn’t turn to you pala coz sobrang nakafocus ka sa sarili mo” (Nan’s original message).
“Di naman, sobrang mahal mo lang sarili mo, sobra10x” Josema’s replied.
Ahhhhhh I was so busy trying to get well pala, di ko man lang nagawang alamin ang kalagayan nya.

I put a status message at my ym; “Kuya Edgar selfish daw ako?”
I was typing a draft for this entry when Kuya Edgar replied; “oo nga” he said. Followed by “joke lang, sino ba nagsabi?, baka namimisunderstand ka lang nila”…

I told him about everything, and then he advised me to stop worrying. “You should focus on more important things in life”.
He never fails to give a good advice, a guardian angel in disguise from Saudi Arabia, hehehehe.
Now all of Kuya’s words are starting to take shape,
He’s right, he is always right.
I have to focus on more important things in my life, on how to recover from sickness and having a new job later on.
I have told Kuya that I want to work abroad too, then he said; “go on!”
Later this year I am going to pursue my application to work abroad.
I want to change things; I want to be worthy.
I want to be the best of who I am, to make my Mama proud.
To be a good provider to my family.
To be the person that I should be, to my friends; Nan and Josema.
I know that I have been too unfair to both of them.

“Wala daw isang taong bagyo, bukas o makalawa magliliwanag na ulit ang kalangitan”.

MANO PO: a milestone

2008-07-27T20:12:00.000-07:00

In the past few years now, I’ve met a lot of people from different walks of life. Part of my exploration as a new person, hahaha.
Dami ko nakilala along the way, pero only few were regarded as friends
Before I didn’t care about other people, I didn’t even think of knowing them, natatapos ang araw ko ng trabaho-bahay, bahay-trabaho.
I considered myself as a turtle, lam mo yun kapag me na-sense na danger kagad nagtatago sa shell well in different way naman.
In my case tuwing me lalapit na tao, kagad akong yumuyuko, just to hide my face, I don’t know bakit ba sobra akong mahiyain nun, or laging ilang sa mga tao, noon super scripted lang ang mga lines ko: “po”, “opo”, “bakit po?”

Siguro malaking factor yung I was raised by my titas which tagged as old maids daw, sa loob ng bahay mabibilang mo ang usapan namin, kung magsasalita man super soft at mahina lang…

I was raised in a home were love is present yet di mo makikita, mararamdaman mo na lang na nandun…

Si Ate Lanie the oldest among our titas soft spoken sya, disciplinarian, good provider at super present lagi sa church.
Friendly sya, what’s so special about her lagi yang me pasalubong na pagkain, dun ko namana yung laging me bitbit na pagkain pauwi ng bahay. And yung pagiging moderate kung magsalita sa kanya ko din namana yun.

Year 1998 when my parents decided to transfer here in Laguna, sa hirap ng buhay sa Marinduque iniwan namin ang lahat dun and full of hope na makakabawi sa paglipat namin sa Real, Calamba.

Si Papa simple lang ang trabaho nya laborer, that time boom na boom ang construction madami kasing itinatayong Industrial Parks, Papa worked as carpenter/electrician at di naglaon foreman.

That time my siblings were still young; Marco the one next to me is only 12 years old, maliit pa sya so imagine me mas mga bata pa kong kapatid, Marion who’s 10, Joy is 7 and John Mark who’s only 4.
Life was tough as in super, then there was time na nagkasakit si Papa natakot kaming lahat, si Mama lagi na lang umiiyak, nakailang ulit dinala sa PGH, ayun bumaba daw ang potassium sa katawan kaya halos naparalyze sa sobrang panghihina.

Ako naman nakatira sa mga tita ko sa Alabang, me mga instances di ko malunok yung mga pagkain lalo na’t masarap.
I always think of my younger siblings if only there is a way na pwede ko ma-ishare sa kanila yung masarap na pagkain ko, di ko na kakainin ibibigay ko na lang sa kanila.
I always look up the sky and secretly shout (sa isip ko) Lord why are so unfair? Kala ko ba lahat pantay pantay sa paningin nyo?
Siguro Malabo ang mata ni Lord noon, ilan kaya grado ng mga mata nya? Hmmmmf…

Simula nung magkaisip ako di pa kami nakaranas ng masaganang pamumuhay, lalo na nung when I was in Elementary, grade 6 na ata ako nakaranas magsuot ng uniform at bagong sapatos, that time kasi nakapagtrabaho na ang panganay naming kuya na si Michael.

If my memory serves me correctly lagi na lang akong nanghihiram nun ng uniform at black shoes sa kaibigan ko, kailngan ko kasi, the following morning maaga akong gigising mas maaga in usual na gising ko, kasali kasi ako sa quiz bee, hirap nun di ko halos kinukuskos yung swelas ng sapatos ni Juancho baka kasi magasgas, hiniram ko lang kasi yun sa kanya.

March 18, 1996:
Graduation namin ng elementary, as usual ala si Papa na inaasahang magsasabit ng mga medals ko, si Mama naman nandun kaso me hawak na bata na umiiyak so si Ate Bulaklak came to the rescue sya nagsabit ng mga medals ko, weird no, minsan lang ako gragraduate ng elementary tapos alin man kina Mama at Papa di nakapagsabit ng medals ko.
Kakatuwa nun di ko talaga inaasahan na gagraduate ako na me mga ganung awards at medals, Grade 1 super bobo ko nun, Grade 2 na ko natutong magbasa, then Grade 3 lagi na din akong isa sa mga highest sa mga tests and exams namin, Grade 4, 5, 6 in fairness kasali na sa mga quizbee, salamat sa school Principal namin na laging nagbibigay ng allowance ko.

The following school year 1st Year High School na ko, sina Mama at Papa nandito na sa Calamba, same scenarios or let’s say naging mas malubha? Sa lahat na PTCA Meeting alang present para sa kin, mom ng classmate ko na malapit sa min ang pumipirma ng report card ko, kakatawa di man lang nakita nina Mama yung mga grades ko, di nila alam na tuwing me ,meeting pinapatawag ako ng Principal para ipagmalaki sa ibang mga magulang.
Okay lang sa kin yun alam ko me reasons bakit ganun, nagpatuloy yun hanggang 2nd Year HIgh School na ko, tuwing me laban ako sa malayong district, my tita one of the teacher namin sa high school, papasok sa lahat na classroom para manghingi ng financial support sa mga schoolmates ko. Di na lang ako kumikibo kasi nahihiya ako kahit papano sa mga schoolmates ko, siguro reason din yun kung bakit di ko sila mahindian kapag me ipinapaletterings sila sa mga folders nila.

March of 1998:
Recognition day, aba masama loob ko, I mean namin 2 pala ni Anne, sa ibang tao napunta ang mga awards na para sa amin.
Huwag na ngang magreklamo, ganun talaga.
Timely naman panahong yun umuwi sina Papa at Mama, para daw makaranas si Papa na magsabit ng medals, sayang kasi kulang yung napunta sa min ni Anne, kulang ata ng 2 medals na binigay sa ibang tao.
Kinatanghalian sabi ni Papa: magpaclearance ka na kagad at kunin mo na yung class card mo, it’s about time na sumama na kayo sa min sa pagbalik sa Calamba.

I was super excited that time, pero somehow teary din yung eyes ko, madaming tao pala akong maiiwan; si Anne at yung super kabarkada kong si Juancho. Pero ala na ko magagawa kasi para daw sa ikagagaan ng sitwasyon naming yun an magsama sama sa Calamba…

Natransfer ako sa Pedro E. Diaz High School, from 1st section sa Marinduque, laglag ako sa section 17, transfer daw kasi.
Well, e di ala na magagawa, 3rd year ako nun ala masyadong nangyari sa kin, since asa section ako na ganun. Grades ko ok lang naman. At first hiya talaga ako sumagot sa teachers since me konting accent ako, promdi accent ika nga.

Next school year although section 15 ako, Masaya naman ako kasi kasama ko mga dati kong friends nun 3rd year.
Yung adviser namin she give ways para naman mailabas ko yung mga alam at talents ko daw, along with my drafting teacher, Ms. Ellen.

Kung me isang significant event nung March 2000, that is when nag grand slam kami sa painting contest. Hehehe isa lang naman ako sa 3 nanalo, kung anong place? Secret na lang…

June 2000:
Humina na ang company na ReadRite, kung saan si Ate Thess ay nagtatrabaho, magcoclose na daw, so di nga nagkalaon binayaran na sila, yung natanggap nya she decided to a house for herself.
Another milestone yun halos lahat apektado, then it give way para me bagong mapakakakitaan sina Papa at Tito Jim, nagsimula na kaming lumipat lahat dito sa Cabuyao, mga titas ko from Alabang, sina Tito Jim and sina Papa at Mama with my siblings.
Since ala na kami sa Alabang at humina na yung pasok ng pera, di na ko nakapagcollege,

June 2001:
Jollibee Calamba Crossing, una akong nagtrabaho, then sumunod sa Alabang, 2 years akong nagtrabaho dun na uwian sa gabi, Alabang to Cabuyao.

February 2003:
Nagtake ako ng entrance sa PUP Taguig, nakapasa ako pero sinamang palad, di kagad nakalipat ng trabaho, tulad ng inaasahan di ako natuloy na makapasok.

March 2004:
Nagtake ako ulit ng entrance exam sa Pamantasan ng Cabuyao, tulad ng dati mataas ang nakuha kong grade, yun pala ang ibig sabihin entitled akong magtake ng 4 years course, pero I decided to take 2 years course instead. After 2 sems napilitan na kong magstop, nagkasakit ulit si Papa and kailangan ko na ulit magtrabaho.
Sa una di madali na i-give up ang pag aaral ko. Ala magagawa eh siguro me mas magandang nakalaan para sa kin.

January 2006:
Inaya ako ng kapitbahay naming na mag-apply sa
Philippines Auto Components (PAC-DENSO) natanggap ako at yung kasama ko na me backer ay di na man lang natawagan pa. naging Masaya ako dun kasi, I’ve met a lot of people, mga kadepartment ko at naaassign din ako pagminsan sa Inspection sa incoming material sorting.

August 2007:

Natapos ang contract ko, hanap ng panibago, pinasok ako ng tita ko sa company nila; CALAMBA SHINEI INDUSTRIES PHILIPPINES CORP.

Kung me isang pangyayari na di ko malilimutan yun ay yung nung September 27, 2006. Umaga nun nagising ako na masakit na masakit ang ulo, sabi ko kay Mama "masama pakiramdam ko", sagot nya: "wag mo na munang pilitin sarili mo, wag ka na munang pumasok". 12 pm pasado, nagtext si Ate Thess, salamat sa Diyos daw di ako pumasok, kundi isa sana ako sa nasabugan ng salamin, Dinaanan ng napakalakas ng buhawi ang company building namin, bumagsaka ang kisame, sumabog lahat na salamin. Lahat na taong dumadaan sa harap ng Admin. ay nasabugan ng salamin. Maraming nasugatan, nahospital.

After a week tinext kami ng clerk namin, me grand assembly, nandun lahat na head ng SHINEI, dun ko nakita ang company building, ala talagang natira halos lahat sira at basa ng tubig ulan. Nirelocate ang ibang gamit sa SHIN HEUNG at dun nag-operate ang production, kami natira para maglinis.

Last week ng October back to normal operation ang department namin.

After 11 months ng sobrang nakakapagod na trabaho, I’ve decided to leave the said company leaving behind some friends.

July 2007:
Nag apply ako sa Makati sa Agency ng Amkor Anam, pasado ako sa exam at interview, ni-rush ko ang pagkumpleto ng mga requirements ko, last day ko sa Shinei nun, pang night shift ako, pagkaawas ko nagtuloy na ko sa Taft para sa medical ko, after 2 days meron ng result, I was terrified and at the same time disappointed, bagsak ako sa Xray, me maliit na spots daw sa film, then after two times na inulit ganun pa rind aw ang result then stop na ko para magpahinga muna, bunga daw yun ng puyat at alang matinong pahinga.

Mula noon marami na din nag encourage sa kin na magcallcenter agent. Ilang ulit ko din sinubukan, pero tuwing iniinterview na ko, di ko mabigkas ng tama ang mga words na dapat kong isagot, produkto ng tense nabubulol ako.
Stop na lang ako, tinanggap ko na lang na I’m not destine to be a callcenter agent.

Today:

Nag-aantay ako na gumaling na ang bulutong ko sa braso, nag-aantay din sa isang divine sign na hinihingi ko kay Lord.

Kung san at ano man ang magiging next sa buhay ko. Di pa yun klaro.
Alam ko me plano si Lord para sa kin…

To be continued….

TOMORROW I'LL BE READY

2008-07-27T03:31:00.000-07:00

Every night before going to sleep,

I pray to God that if I am going to suffer the same pain by tomorrow,
Please I don’t want to wake up the following morning anymore,
It was tough being a loser, who tends to suffer rather than bless.
It’s kind of weird coz He let me wake up again this morning!
Maybe the answer is there, right in front of me.
He let me wake again coz He has a plan for me,
A plan much better than I have for myself.
Maybe God wants me to still live with my miseries,
So that I can learn from my mistakes and the following day,
God will make everything bright and sunny again.

It isn’t easy to be me.
My life in general is a big question mark.
Should I or should I not?
I guess that is the real question.
I had made some decisions in my life that had jeopardized everything,
Me as a person and me as friend.
I thought life as an adult is way much better than being a kid,
But there are things in life that you always wish you were still one,
Like having fun and manage to laugh,
Though your knees are full of scratches and cuts.
I always wanted to cry, I just don’t know how to start.
Maybe it’s true that I’m a weak person.
I have tried to live by the golden rule.
I only do things that I want others do unto me.
Maybe this isn’t the right time to go fishing,
The waves are too big to be tame.
The sky is gray and full of lightening and thunders are roaring.
It takes a perfect timing to cross a stormy sea.
I guess by tomorrow I’ll be a good sailor and will be able to cross it.
But I should not just seat here and wait for that storm to go away,
I have to prepare, I have to be ready by tomorrow.

I don’t know what lies ahead for me there,
But no matter what it is,
I need to be prepared and ready to face it.

I have to live my life as it is my last day on earth,

Coz one day it will be…

HIS NAME IS FERNAND YIM

2008-07-27T02:56:00.000-07:00

Today is July 27, 2008.

Nothing new, I’m still sick, my arms and legs are still full of blisters. Anyways every blisters are starting to heals and dry up. I’m a bit anxious about what’s next, I mean after recovering from chickenpox. After a month and a couple of weeks I’m starting to make another draft for what’s next for me.

Last night I’ve decided to start writing here at bloggers.com after reading Fernand Yim’s works. I always look up to him when it comes to blogging he knows where to get the perfect words to use, I mean words that will surely and exactly describe a certain things, emotions or events.
No wonder why he’s one of the most promising online writer, he is my good friend, ahmmm well almost a brother.

Dati lagi kami di nagkakasundo nito, we always tends tofight over small things, kung me nabanggit sya sa post nya na isang tao na tinawag syang maikli ang leeg, hahaha that’s me. I’m the stupid person na walang kaabog abog kung magcomment sa kanya.
*(mynameisfernandyim.blogspot.com/reportingfernandyim.blogspot.com)*

I always tell him “Nan, lam mo lalo ka sana matangkad tingnan kung mahaba lang ang leeg mo”.
Well alam ko in some ways nakakaoffend yun sa kanya pero dinadaan ko na lang sa biro, matitigilan yun sabay sabing “aaaaaaaaaaaaah kasar ka talaga Ramon”….
We were always telling stupid things to each other, nilalait namin ang mga sarili namin to the point na we feel pity na rin sa aming mga sarili,

Me favorite lines yan, like: “aaaaargh you know me Ramon, you know me, you won’t like me when I’m angry!”
Sounds familiar? Line ni Angelina yun sa Bubble Gang.
Tapos I will always reply: “ahuh, like whatever, you’re such a loser Nan!”

Dati lagi syang nagtetext sa kin, asking about my condition, how is my blisters? He always cheers me up, “Ramon it’s not bad being a loser sometimes, ang masama kung forever kang loser".
Then kagad ako titingin sa taas and then hihinga ng malalim, he always tend to use the same advise na I had given na din sa kanya,
“Hay Ramon, tingnan mo, bukas tatawanan mo na lang lahat na problema mo”.

Siguro not everybody knows na I’m not the type of person who has a lot of friends, I choose to be alone most of the times, loner sabi nga nila.
Minimal kung magsalita, imbes na tumawa ngingiti lang ng bahagya. Pero it doesn’t means that I am not a friendly person, nasanay lang siguro ako na laging walang kausap.

Dati nung dito pa sya sa bahay tumatambay lagi na ko nagsasalita, iba kasi yung atmosphere kapag me kausap kang matalino, tapos every 2 days uuwi na sya ng bahay nila, then ayan na naman ang pakiramdam, gloomy na naman, well that’s life people will come and people will go daw.

Me mga times na we talks about life: hardships and sacrifices.
Basta simpleng babanat yan sa gitna ng peak ng kaseryosohan nyo ng,
“dahil umiibig”.

E not connected naman sa lovelife yung topic, ganyan sya simple pero puno ng kakulitan.

Kapag nagpefreak na ko at ala sya, tapos imemessage nya ko kapag nag-online sya, magsusumbong ako sa kanya about sa mga nangyayari sa kin, alam nya mabilis akong madepress at alam nya kung sino ang kagad na makakapagpakalma sa kin.

Nan will always said; "nakausap mo na ba ang mahiwagang noo?"

He's referring to JoseMa.

One time bigla akong nagkaload, Alltext20 yun, sya pala yung nagpadala.

"Ramon, na-received mo na ba yung load?"

"Pinaloadan kita para matext mo si Mahiwagang Noo"

"Ha! bakit mo ko niloadan? di ko din to magagamit, Josema is always busy with his work at tuwing weekdays di sya nagloload kasi di din sya makakatex". sabi ko sa kanya.

Since lagi akong balisa that time, di ko na halos nagamit yung load, after 24 hours naexpire na to.

Ilang days di muna sya na-online, tapos one afternoon, minessage nya ko sa ym, nagreply ako, then di na sya sumagot kagad.

"Still there?" sabi ko sa kanya.

"Get a decent pic Ramon, kung gusto mo na kausapin pa kita". sabi nya sa kin.

Xrated pic ko kasi ang nasa avatar ko,

Sagot ko sa kanya: "what's the big deal ba?"

Before ako makapagsend ng isa pang message, offline na sya.

Kinagabihan nagtext sya, depress na depress din sya at umiiyak, gusto na din nyang sumuko, lagi na lang daw syang namamalimos.

Di ako nakasagot kagad, di ako makakilos masyado dahil sa dinadamdam kong sakit ng katawan.

"Basahin mo yung bago kong post sa MNIFY" sabi nya.

Kinabukasan ko pa nagawang basahin ang blogpost nya.

Nagiging makasarili na pala ako, sobrang nakafocus sa sarili ko at di ko na nagagawa pang alalahanin ang nararamdaman ng kaibigan ko.

Sa mga oras na di na nya magawang maging matatag pa, para pagkunan ko ng lakas ng loob, animoy cellphone syang nalolowbat din.

Lagi na lang akong nakatingin sa sarili kong anino at di ko na sya nagagawang kumustahin. Napaka unfair ko na pala, masyado na kong self-centered na tao.

Alam ko mas malakas at mas matatag sya kesa sa kin.

Lahat ng tao dumadaan daw sa ganung punto ng buhay, kung di ko man magawang lampasan ang trahedya sa buhay ko, alam ko magagawa nyang makalampas sa pinagdadaanan nya.

Sa mga pagkukulang ko sayo, sanay maintindihan mo di man magkasintindi tayo ng pinagdadaanang depression, alam ko na alam mo. Mas kaya mo yan!

Nan will always be Nan.
And I’m so happy na part ako ng buhay nya.

Thanks for being my friend…

DEAR BESTFRIEND

2008-07-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much for always being there for me.
When everything seems to fade and cloak by darkness,
You are always there to guide me and light my way.
You make every journey, a lot of fun.
Thank you, for bringing back my sanity,
For loving me, as me.
For not despising me, every time I fail.

Words are not enough to describe how much I endear you.
I've never thought that a simple act of kindness
Will lead into a deep and meaningful friendships.

You always make sure that I won’t be astray, or lost...
And when I need shelter from the rain,
You are always there to keep me safe and warm.
For everything you do, thank you...

Sometimes I thought, I already lost you,
For I cannot see your presence...
But you always prove me that you are always there at my back.
Pushing me to do impossible things, possible.

Thank you...
For giving me the strength and courage,
For giving me the opportunity to feel pain and happiness.
You’ve never fails to show compassion and kindness.

Your heart is like a river, peaceful and deep.
Your soul is like a secret that I never could keep.
And when I look into your eyes, I know that it's true.
God must have been spent a little more time on you.

I'm amazed by all your patience,
Everything I put you through.
And when I’m about to fall,
Somehow you're always waiting,
Your arms are always open to catch me.
My heart is tainted by your touch.
You don't ask me why I’m crying,
Coz when I start to crumble,
You always know how to keep me smiling.
Well, tomorrow may be shaky,
But you never turn away.
I know it's hard, but you've broken all my walls.
You've been my strength,
You always save me from myself...
Now please don't ask me why I love you...

It's obvious, it's your tenderness.
Is what I need to make me,
To be a better man to myself.

You were always be, my BESTFRIEND!

BEING ALONE

2008-07-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

Written by Anne Padilla,

I was so depressed that time.

I went to bed alone, and hummed myself to sleep.

Being alone is the most terrible feeling I’ve ever known.
Seems like there’s a part of me which is missing.
Try to ask yourself what is missing,
I bet you can’t answer and you will just sigh.
When you wake up in the morning grasping for someone beside you,
Even though you know it’s darn clear you are alone.
Stupid, isn't it? You’re fooling yourself!
Yet you have friends, yes you know...
You can count on them,
You're pretty sure they will carry you on their back anytime you are in need without too much word to say.
But hey! There is a kind of loneliness which is not eased just by hanging out with friends,
Sharing your hang-ups with your friends even to your closest friend.
I know how you feel the loneliness that comes deep within you or

(me and you).
The curse of being alone with people around you
(Just like ghosts passing by).
I know how you wish you don’t exist while your face is on the sink throwing up because of too much alcohol.
Even if you take thousand tablets of sleeping pills,
That suffocating feeling of loneliness will haunt you.
I won’t dare ask why you're lost, because I know that keeping your burdens intact and unshared.
Is much better than being asked and judged

by people who thinks that they are
FAIRIES (yes! they are fairies of shallow wells)
And ANGELS (indeed, angels of polluted heaven).
What you feel is what I also feel.
Grow up!
You are the master of yourself.
Sayawan mo ang saliw ng masalimuot na mundo!

This is to be continued...

YES I WILL

2008-07-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, I cried that night, written way back August 03, 2007.

Everything started with a plain and simple question: "Care to be friend?”

I'm kind of little bit surprised that somebody asked me that kind of question.

I responded right away, and I said; "Sure, why not, I'm not snob naman"

And I gave him my number.

The next morning, I had a few unread messages in my phone inbox,

I didn't expect that one of the messages was from him.

It brings smile to my tired and haggard face, yes, it does make me smile and I told to myself, "I knew that this kid needs a friend".

And I will be, I'll make sure that I will be his most loyal friend.

We have texted each other some several times before he told me that he's online. And then I fixed myself and rush to the nearest internet shop.

He sent me his YM id and we started to talk thru chat,

I asked for his cam and he invited me to view him on-line.

And I did the same thing; I invited him to view me as well.

The feelings are so inevitable,

For the first time, a kid sends shivers down my spines.

I told him everything, my observations and readings.

I read his face and I knew he's emotionally disturbed, I got a perfect picture of myself just looking at him, And I’d been to that same situation before.

I described him as fragile and priceless. Few hours later we met, he's dwelling some few kilometers away from our block, 1.5 km. I suppose.

We had a very good conversation then,

He told me that I looked terribly proud and boastful in my pictures.

Yes, that was his first impressions on me.

He said, looking at me in my picture gallery,

He earned that kind of absurd impressions.

But he said, I'm the opposite person of the guy he once saw in my picture gallery.

I laughed and I said; "that's kind of bola!”

We became friends and talks about things, Almost everything in our pretty damn heads, hahaha........

We spent our night talking and cracking jokes, we both loves to walk.

And we had lot of things in common.

I was born, Aug. 2 and he's Aug.9, I'm 6 years older than him and I tried to show him my kuya side.

I gave him advises and he often glance at me and he smiles sincerely.

The following afternoon,

He invited me to watch one of his favorite movies: FENG SHUI.

I'm not a big fan of horror film,

But I gave myself a chance.

I watched it, and it was great.

Watching unfamiliar film genre with a company of a good friend. _________________________________________________________________________

The following situation became out of hand. I don't want to write it here, so I have to skip that scenes. _________________________________________________________________________

We leave their house after I waved goodbye to his mom,

We decided to go to Calamba Crossing,

It was kind of late that night so we spent our night at Area 23,

we surfed the net and watched some couple of videos @ YouTube.

We fixed his Friendster's layout.

I made him a slide show and I put a Paris Hilton song on his background.

And as soon as we had finished what we came for.

We left the shop and headed back home. I told him, "tol, I'm kind of hungry".

So before, we finally head back home, we ate goto,

He treated me with a bottle of Lipton Red Iced tea.

We take a tricycle ride to our subdivision.

But before we decided to go to each of our houses.

We sat down at the back of a tall building and we talk and I told him to rest assured 'cause I'm not going to leave him soon.

I'll be here for him and I'm here to wash away the pain and agonies in him.

It's almost past 6:00 a.m. we finally decided to leave and go home.

I texted him and I told him to take care of himself and to stay away from false friends.

Around 12:00 p.m. he replied to my text, he told me his going to Manila to visit some co-agent and watch OUIJA.

That day was Saturday, July 28.

The following afternoon I texted him but he doesn't seem to care to text back.

I ignored it, the next night I tried to call him,

But his number is already unattended and out of the coverage area.

The next day I checked for my emails and I sent him a message thru Friendster,

I asked him what happened to his number.

I asked him to text me, but he never sends any text.

Yesterday was my 25th birthday, I was longing to see and talk to him,

And I’m still waiting for him to send me some text.

But then, wala pa ring text mula sa kanya.

I remember what my bestfriend once told me, "Faith without actions is dead ". He said, if I want to talk to him, I have to visit him in their house.

And which, I did. It's around 8:00 p.m.

I went to their house to pays a visit.

At the gate I saw his mom and i asked her about her son's whereabouts.

She says, "Ah, nagkaliwas kayo, kakaalis lang nya pabalik ng Manila".

"Hijo,wait lang ah, bibili lang ako ng itlog, wait lang sandali ah!"

And then his mom says, "Lika sa bahay, kunin mo yung bago nyang number sa kapatid nya".

His mom told me, he's pursuing a job in Manila as agent again.

Nagkwentuhan kami ni Tita, I told her, "Tita natatakot po ako at kinakabahan para sa kaibigan ko".

But then, alam kong headstrong din syang tulad ko, pero since nanggaling na ko sa kinalalagyan nya ngayon, alam ko kung gano katindi ang pressure sa Manila.

I told Tita that sobra akong nagtatampo sa kaibigan ko kasi birthday ko that day pero kinalimutan nya ako.

Even Tita, masama din daw ang loob nya sa anak nya.

After i finished the glass of orange juice that Tita gave me, I told her that it's getting late na, i had to go home na.

She said okay, she greeted me Happy Birthday and she asked for my number,

in-case daw na me itatanong sya sa akin itetext nya ako.

I waved Tita goodbye!

I have texted him over and over but no reply pa rin.

As I walked my way back home at the farm, my emotions burst and I shouted and cried,

I'm so helpless that time.

Ganun kasi akong magtreasure ng kaibigan,

ganun ako magpahalaga sa isang pangako.

I asked GOD, why?

All I wanted is to be complete.

But at my 25th birthday hindi yun nangyari, kinalimutan ako ng kaibigan ko?

____________________________________________________________________________

"CARE TO BE FRIEND?” "SURE, I WILL” ___________________________________________________________________

2ND DAY OF AUGUST

2008-07-26T07:43:00.000-07:00

I wrote this entry last year, August 02, 2007 (my birthday).

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...................................................................
Ang bilis ng panahon talaga, imagine 25 years old na pala ako ngayon.
Ang weird ng pakiramdam, sa pakiramdam ko sa pagdagdag ng edad ko e nadagdagan na din ang responsibilidad ko and kailangan ko na din bawasan ang oras na naglalaro ako sa buhay ko.
Sa ngayon ang daming plano ang nalalaro sa isipan ko, mga plano sa hinaharap at para sa ikakabuti ng lahat na tao sa paligid ko.
Una na dun ang pamilya ko, kasunod ang sarili ko.
Ang swerte ko sa buhay ko ngayon eventhough, ala pa ulit akong trabaho, meron naman akong bestfriend na handang iwanan ang lahat para samahan ako.
meron ba kayo ng ganun?, i'm sure wala !!!!!!!!!!
Mag-iisang buwan na din pala akong nagpapahinga mula sa 11 buwang job engagement ko sa dati kong trabaho.
Ironic talaga ng buhay, hindi mo alam kung anong meron ka, hangga't hindi ito nawawala sayo, or let's say alam na natin kung anong meron tayo subalit hindi lang tayo handa na mawala lahat yun.
In life madami tayong matutunan as we gain age.
Lahat mahalaga, kahit masama ang nangyari sa tin tyak me reasons kung bakit yun nangyari, dapat handa lang tayo na i-uncover kung ano ang nakatagong mensahe sa lahat na bagay na nangyayari sa ating buhay.
Sa mga taong nakakilala sa akin, tiyak na naninibago kayo sa mga pananaw ko ngayon, pero sign of aging na daw to, at dapat lang nangyayari to sa akin.
Mas mature na ko ngayon, hahaha syempre 25 na ko eh.
Kahapon, nagtype na din ako ng blog ko, pero nang ipublish ko na, something happened, ang weird, hindi sya nag-appear and nabura sya.
Kagabi naisip ko mali pala yung pamagat.
"31st day of July" ang ginawa kong pamagat samantalang 1st day of August kahapon.
Pero hindi naman dapat nabura ang napakahaba kong blog na yun.
Pero ok lang, mali kasi pamagat nun hahahaha!
Ang babaw na reason,pero dahil hindi ko na naretrieve, kailangan ko ng kalimutan yun.Kahit papano me natutunan din naman ako sa pangyayaring yun.
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moral lesson; "if you don't type the correct title, never complains kapag nadelete !

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And this is my horoscope for today, napaka-timely nya !

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"You'll be at your brightest and happiest when you're learning something new today, so do yourself a favor and explore the world around you in a more curious way. Instead of just wondering how something is done, ask someone to explain it to you. Or hit the Internet for answers to whatever questions pop into your head. Do a search and satisfy that curiosity. Why put off feeding your brain when so much knowledge is right at your fingertips?"

ANG BUHAY SA AKING PAGLALARAWAN

2008-07-26T05:54:00.000-07:00

I wrote this entry, back June 09, 2007.

I was full of disappointments and grieve.

I headed to a nearest cafe, sat down and write this thing.

My eyes are watery and my hands are shaking, I had argued with Nan that time,

Back to the time that we considered ourselves as rivals.

This is written in my native dialect, the Filipino...

Ang saya ng buhay kung alam mo kung paano mabuhay ng masaya at alam mo kung papano mo ito mapapasaya.
Paano kung pinilipilit mong masaya ang buhay mo pero ang pagiging masaya mo ay maraming humhadlang?
Magpaptuloy ka pa ba o susuko na lang?
Ito ang tamang tanong dun ; peace of mind o kasiyahan mo ?
Ang mga tao sa paligid natin ay sobrang abala para baguhin ang mga nasa paligid nila, ironic pero di nila magawang baguhin ang bulok nilang sarili !
Siguro yun ang sagot sa tanong ko, pinili din nilang maging masaya sa maling paraan yun ay ang manira at manghusga ng kapwa !
Kelan ba tayo pwedeng mabuhay sa buhay na tayo ang sya ang gagawa ,sa buhay na walang babatikos o kukutya ?
Nakaka-ubos din ng katinuan ng pag-iisip ang paghahanap ng tamang lugar at tamang panahon upang maging tunay na masaya ,tunay na me peace of mind ang buhay at me kaligayahan at kasiyahan na matagal na nating hinahanap !
Ilang nilalang na ba ang piniling iwanan ang buhay,ang piniling magpakamanhid sa buhay na hindi natin magawa ipaglaban ang sarili nating kasiyahan?
Sa mga bagay at taong pinilit natin maging atin subalit di natin makuha dahil sa pag-aalinlangan sa mga sasabihin ng matutuwid na tao (kuno) ,sa mga taong hindi ka maunawaan o sadyang ayaw ka lang nilang unawain?
Masakit mamuhay sa mga panandaliang kasiyahan, pinipilit nating lubusin ang sarap ng pakiramdam upang kapag dumating sa tagpong tapos na ang lahat kahit papano me natikman kang kasiyahan kahit panandalian lamang !
Di na ba tayo pwedeng lumabas sa kahon ng buhay ,sa idea na magiging masaya lang tayo kung tama lang lahat ang gagawin natin?
Paano ba maging tama sa mundong lahat ay halos mali ?
Ang tao pilit nilang hahanapin ang kamalian ng kapwa nila ,masaya sila dun,
Pilit nilang ipaparatang sayo ang mga bagay na hindi mo ginawa.
Ipapaamin nila ang mga sarili nilang kasalanan.
AKO simple lang ang kahulugan ng buhay , ito ang buhay na katibayan na ang impyerno ay wala sa kung saan man kundi nandito sa lupa ,sa isipan ng mga tao !
Sa mga kaibigan ko ,maraming salamat sa pagbibigay sa kin ng lakas ng loob upang magpatuloy sa pang araw araw kung laban sa buhay ko na tama man pero hindi masaya !
Sa mga taong pilit akong dinidiktahan, ipagpaumanhin nyo, may sarili akong isipan alam ko ang ginagawa ko.
Kayo ba alam nyo ang ginagawa nyo ?

Magpakasaya tayo sa kanya kanya nating mundo !
Tayo ang bida dito wag natin hayaang talunin tayo ng mga demonyo sa isipan ng mga kapwa natin !ang katotohanan ay nasa kaibuturan ng ating pagkatao.
Di nila hawak ang ating mga pag-iisip, wag natin hayaang sila ang masunod sa buhay natin, buhay natin to at hindi sa kanila !
Ang opinyon nila ay hindi mahalaga, mga buhay na halimbawa sila ng sakit na kanser ,mga malalaking parasitismo sa buhay natin na hindi natin magawang maging masaya dahil ang karamihan sa atin ay natatakot sa ibang tao !
Buhay natin to ,mas mahalaga keysa sa pananaw ng ibang tao !

Kaw, nkapili ka na ba ng gusto mong buhay ?
*ang maging masaya sa kabila ng panunuligsa o ang mabuhay ng tama pero walang saysay at kahulugan?*

Hello Blogger.com

2008-07-26T05:27:00.000-07:00

Ummmmf i dunno how to begin,but I really have to do it.

I have been writing about things for quite sometimes now, about my feelings, my past experiences and my misadventures that are often kept inside me.

Now it's about time to write it all here, people may find me cheap and rebellious, but that's the real me.

The stories that I am about to write here reflects the real me and are base from all my personal struggles as an individual.

For my first posts i am goin' to share some of my past works. I hope people will bear with the way I write things...